Next jokes...[extracted from sammyboy]

The farmer and his swine

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon,etc....
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant,
so he calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer
doesn't have the slightest idea what this means, but not wanting to display
his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lie down
and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He concludes that artificial
insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into
his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them
back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Since they are all still
standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in
the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for
good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

The following morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One
more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out
to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home,
falls sluggishly into bed.

On the third morning, he wakes up to a loud racket. He cannot even raise himself
from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs
are lying in the mud.

"No," the wife says. "They're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn"

Lady and the banker

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right)! The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

"$165,000!", she replied, and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,

"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get these money?"

The old lady replied, "I take bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady than said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $1,000,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

Tandem Story

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
__________________________________________________________

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two English students: Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).

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STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

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(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one night of thrusting over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

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(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for emotionally brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

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(Gary)

Little did she know, she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

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(rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

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(gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic ning nong whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh dear shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of tea? Oh oh, I read too many Danielle Steele novels..."

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(rebecca)

A**hole.
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(gary)

Bi*ch.
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(professor)
This assignment gets an A+